Are you a scientist, journalist, Mexican, Muslim, woman, unpaid protester, LGBT+ individual, non-white immigrant, Affordable Care Act beneficiary, former prisoner of war, late-night sketch comedy show, department store with impeccable taste in complacency-free fashion, and/or 2016 democratic presidential nominee?(1)
Have the defensive, slanderous social media outbursts of a multi-bankrupt geriatric furby making his early morning bowel movements caused significant damages to your life, career, and/or reputation?
Consider yourself a victim no more! Thanks to the political masochism of 47% of American voters and the conspiracy theory-hoarding grandpas who represent them, victims of defamation, libel, and slander may soon be entitled to thousands of dollars in settlements. You deserve justice with minimal hassle. Call the lawyers at Failing, Sad, Biased, Liberal LLP & Affiliates for a free evaluation today.
Sound too good to be true? Don’t ask me, ask the fake news!
Last week, multiple major media outlets reported that White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus had recently discussed the Trash Fire-In-Chief’s plans to ‘open up’ our nation’s libel laws. That’s right, Donald Trump may soon be willing to selflessly subject his own bank account to the wrath of your legal action all in the name of undermining the constitutional rights of the free press, just as the real, hardworking Americans who voted for him wanted!
What does this mean for you? Prepare to win bigly. With a minimum of only three simple pieces of evidence, you may be eligible for significant reimbursement for the pain and suffering you have endured.
Has Donald Trump…
– Stated (either through writing, physical speech, or a walkie-talkie directly wired to the brain of the nearest sleeping elderly white man who earned every goddamn cent he ever made) false information regarding you or the company you represent?
– Indirectly implied, perpetuated, and/or reiterated misleading information that has since caused significant damage to you, your reputation, or the reputation of the company you represent by association?
– Presented the harmful information in question through a publicly-accessible third party distributor, such as Twitter, Facebook’s Russian bot network, or a comedically incompetent imitation of Emmy-winning actress Melissa McCarthy forced to speak on the president’s behalf for god only knows what reason?
– Forged an entire political career on years of insisting that you, a two-term American president and Hawaiian native, were not born in the United States of America?(2)
No need to feel hopeless, disillusioned with democracy, or doubtful of the possibility that there could be any form of a benevolent god watching over our evidently pre-apocalyptic society! With the pesky restrictions of the Bill of Rights eliminated and the expert attorneys at Failing, Sad, Biased, Liberal LLP & Affiliates here to guide you along the way, you and your family are sure to be provided with settlement benefits virtually guaranteed to launch you into a tax bracket that will remain protected from all negative legislative targeting for the next four to eight years.
So why wait to take action? The class gap is not getting any smaller, and you deserve freedom from the world’s most powerful used condom full of rotting pumpkin innards. Here at Failing, Sad, Biased, Liberal LLP & Affiliates, we believe there is no problem that a seventh bankruptcy cannot solve. Our team of tremendous lawyers is here to help make YOUR America great again.
Call today for a free consultation. Standard data rates may apply.
(1) Offer also applicable to any Democratic, Independent, or moderate Republican state representative currently serving in office, any candidate (regardless of party affiliation) who participated in the 2016 presidential election, any political comedian with ties to The Daily Show, any nation outside of the United States, the United States itself, former President Barack Obama, Senator Ted Cruz’s wife, Senator Ted Cruz’s father, Broadway smash hit “Hamilton”, T-Mobile’s cellular service, famed rapper Snoop Dogg, Samuel L. Jackson’s golf swing, Neil Young’s 1989 song “Rockin’ In The Free World”, the FBI, the CIA, his own administration’s ambassador to the UN, the public, haters, and the highly overrated Meryl Streep.
(2) Not requisite of all individuals interested in class-action lawsuit involvement, but may also apply.